Sitting meditation was the first daily practice that I’m going to dive into here. My goal over this year of study and learning the integral coaching methodology is to build up to thirty continuous minutes of sitting, in an unguided meditation practice, around the same time every day.
I had a lot of resistance to starting a meditation practice. When we discussed it in our first session, I was trying not to roll my eyes. The barriers and excuses started rolling in:
Meditation is so obvious and unoriginal…every productivity/wellness/morning routine article says that we should meditate…
I’m not a morning person so I obviously won’t be doing this first thing…
I have to be at the studio two or three times a week before 8am, which is already a stretch for me. There’s no way I’ll be meditating on those mornings…
We can’t do a guided meditation? What’s wrong with guided meditations?
Despite my resistance, on October 17th, two days after our first session ended, I sat down at 7:30 am for about six minutes. And then I did it again on the 18th for eight minutes. And seven minutes on the 19th.
As of today, I’m 521 minutes into my fledgling meditation practice.
I sit each morning right after I get out of bed. I typically sit on my desk chair but oriented away from my monitor — at the edge of the chair so that I have to keep my torso upright, with my feet flat on the floor and my hands resting on my thighs. At first, I found it more accessible to keep my eyes closed, but I now keep my gaze softly on the floor about four or five feet in front of me. I have been using the Peloton app to time my meditations, and on days when I have to be at Orangetheory to coach, I set my WHOOP to vibrate on my wrist when I need to start moving on. On the other days, I just sit until I lose my focus or stamina.
The practice of meditation has been an experience of proving myself wrong. I was resistant and hesitant but with an undercurrent of curiosity. I kept my mind open enough to give it a shot.
Now, after two months, I am all in on meditating. I look forward to it each morning and am even getting up earlier on my busy days to accommodate a few extra minutes.
Every meditation has been a different experience for me. The first few minutes are always really hard. I’m overwhelmed by the volume and randomness of my thoughts, even while I’m still waking up. Sometimes I notice that my torso is leaning forward or collapsing towards my legs without even realizing it.
These first few minutes are similar to my experience with the first mile of an outdoor run. It feels disproportionately challenging, and I’m always surprised at how hard I’m breathing. I fixate on small annoyances like how tight my shoes are laced, how my hands are cold, and that the sun is at a tough angle.
But then, all of a sudden, I settle in.
Some days, I notice that I just barely reach a sense of quieting my thoughts and finding presence before it’s over. A few times, though, I experienced a sensation of completely letting go and surrendering. On the first occasion of this, I wrote:
“I felt like I was relaxing…melting. When I exhaled it was like every bit of tension was leaving my upper body and shoulders. And I felt an intense, expansive warmth in my chest. It was peaceful, reassuring, and joyful.”
I have felt the edges of that expansive warmth a few more times since. It honestly still shocks me, and it is feeding my curiosity and wonder about what else is possible. And so, each morning, I wake up and practice sitting again.