What's Different: How I Know It's Working

Reflections on outcomes in coaching and what has emerged for me to date.

“Under duress, we don’t rise to our expectations. We fall to our level of training.”
- Bruce Lee, quoting Archilochus

I have been watching a lot of sports recently: NBA playoffs, CrossFit semifinals, and the French Open. I love the moments of complete awe and admiration of an athlete’s ability to execute in a clutch situation. What we do not see in those moments is the years of work and the millions of drills and repetitions that they have put in. We get to experience the outcome of their training and dedication: the ability stay relaxed, be creative, and be receptive to possibilities in the moments that matter.

Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

When the effort at hand is self-development to build the body and heart of an integral coach, the training looks a lot different. I do not spend hours each day practicing free throws, squat snatches, or serves. My drills are daily meditation, study, self-reflection, yoga, writing, and singing. The clutch moments that arise for me are not on a court or in stadium, but when I am working with clients and in my broader life.

And while it’s nothing as acutely pressure-filled as making a game winning shot, I’ve had opportunities to test the strength of my training over the past few months. I am clearly able to see how all of the work is already paying off and how I am showing up differently for myself and others.

Outcomes in Coaching

Integral coaching is unique in that the coach and client co-create purpose and outcomes statements for their work together. These are akin to a strategic plan—the purpose statement is the mission and the outcomes are the KPIs. Together, they answer the question, “what exactly are we doing here?” All of the practices, reflections, and study in each client’s personal development plan are aligned to drive towards the named outcomes.

In my last post, I reflected on the mechanics of my training and the time and energy I am dedicating towards personal development. These efforts are not random, as I have my own outcome statements for this year:

• I listen more deeply with my heart and body, responding to the whispers of their clear wisdom.

• I increase my capacity to identify and act on what is essential to me.

• I am more skillful in seeing and releasing my inner critic.

Before I consider these individually, the overarching shift is developing a stronger sense of myself. Different therapeutic modalities define the “self” with variations on a theme of being grounded and less prone to reactivity. In Internal Family Systems, the core Self is beautifully characterized with the 8 C’s: confidence, calm, compassion, courage, creativity, clarity, curiosity, and connectedness.

Helene Brenner’s definition also resonates deeply with me: “A self that is coming from a place of ‘I’ and their own experience, rather than what everybody else tells them they should feel, rather than what they think they should feel or an externalized self.” Or, as Steve Jobs put it, “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Truly knowing and living authentically in “self” probably feels even more incredible than winning a Grand Slam. While it’s definitely a lifelong pursuit, this shift is showing up in granular ways that align with my outcome goals.

Listening With My Heart and Body

Recently, I had a striking physical experience of calmness. I was working through a tough issue and had the opportunity to experience a guided somatic session. Instead of chatting about what I was thinking about the issue and staying solely in the cognitive realm of processing, I simply focused in on what sensations were present in my body while holding the whole of what was going on. After moving through sadness and a sense of activation or agitation, I felt a waterfall through the front of my body that released all of it and left me with a deep sense of calm.

I’m noticing this quality of calm as a spacious quietness in my body. For over a year now, I’ve been slowing down the pace of my life. Slowing down is allowing more room to focus, and to connect with my heart and body. When I do turn my attention to something, I have the space and energy to sit and engage more deeply with it, and really learn from it. I believe this calmness a direct outcome from sitting meditation and yin yoga practices, both of which are training my heart and body to be less reactive.

What is Essential to Me

“Essential to me” is not about my preferences or what I feel like doing in any given moment, and it is also not what other people want for or of me. This is a practice of understanding what is necessary for my vitality both now and long-term. Being able to identify or name this is so powerful. Actually doing the vital thing can be really hard, especially when it means taking counter-cultural action. Here are two areas where I have noticed my increasing capacity to identify and act on what is essential to me:

• Simple example: in the natural ebb and flow of life, I often have days or hours where I feel low on energy and generally blah. In those moments, it is essential for me to move my body (anything on the range of stretching for a few minutes to a full blown workout). Explicitly stating this to myself, and saying it aloud to friends has helped me to consistently take action when the blah settles in. I have now started preventatively planning to do a yin or slow flow yoga class at the same time each week when I know from experience that my energy is going to crater.

• Bigger example: this spring, there was significant unrest in a community that is deeply interwoven in my life. As I wrestled with the possibilities before me (stay, leave, etc.), I was initially caught up in what other people explicitly or implicitly wanted me to do. Once I realized that I was prioritizing others’ ideas and preferences, I shifted my focus to intentionally tune into how I actually felt—emotionally, physically, mentally—every time I was in the community space. That reorientation uncovered my heart and body’s wisdom (see above) and I knew what I was to do.

Releasing My Inner Critic

My personal brand of inner critic is always on high alert to ensure I am not in the wrong. It loves rules and a guarantee that things will go well for me. For much of my life, I really only invested time and energy in things that I was pretty confident I would be excellent at before I even started. This was like a self-fulfilling prophecy on repeat, but it kept me feeling safe and successful.

I have been shaking my inner critic to the core by doing uncomfortable things before I feel ready (aka before I feel 100% certain that I’ll succeed). Publishing this substack is a prime example. Despite efforts to re-read and edit, I have published essays with typos in the very first sentence. Previously a glaring typo in a deliverable would be like handing a pre-lit fire starter to my inner critic. When it happened, though, I was able to see and release my inner critic. I felt a split second of embarrassment, then I logged on and fixed it, and I did not think of it again until writing this paragraph.

Working with a vocal coach is another way that I have been tackling my inner critic head on. For months, I was held hostage by my inner critic and I resisted doing it at all. Now I am wrapping up my commitment, and yes, I am still croaking when trying to hit the higher notes on the scale, and likely always will. But, I know I can take a deep belly breath, open my mouth a little wider, and try again. I have little mantras and ditties that I sing to myself daily and each note is a chance to release a little bit more of the inner critic’s claim on my life.

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Reflecting on these outcomes is a reminder that development — changing your way of being in the world — takes time, commitment, and effort. It is rewarding to see progress in six or seven months, but this is ongoing work. Thankfully, I love a grindy workout and that mindset translates to this new pursuit of becoming a top notch coach.

It can certainly be done as a solo pursuit, but working with your own coach in a supportive community can accelerate your development. Even athletes in individual sports such as tennis and CrossFit are not doing it alone; they have coaches, trainers, and teams guiding, challenging, and surrounding them. I doubt if I was doing this work on my own that I would be seeing the progress I have described above. And I absolutely would not be taking voice lessons!